Skaropuff the Tribble
by Lord Pyron
Summary: The Doctor tells the TARDIS to find a "Skaropuff". Adventure ensues. Not a dark story, but I try to be smart about it and it might be good for a laugh. Uses the post series 7 Doctor and Clara, and the J.J. Abrams Star Trek crew post Into Darkness. Written on the prompt of a friend.
1. Chapter 1

"Hold on! This is going to be one bumpy ride! Geronimoooooooooo-"

The box hurtled through time and space, and the time within spaces, and space within time. Dimensions swirled and time turned purple as pocket dimensions bubbled up in the wake of the most powerful ship in the universe, only to pop, spraying fresh plot over the ship's blue exterior.

(Plot is the Time Lord term for liquefied time-space distortion. The formation and destruction of plot bubbles create holes which bleed distortion into the universe. This explains strange continuity errors and out of character actions that normally accompany crossovers. Crossover is the technical Time Lord term for an event where dimensions are breached and people from different universes are able to meet each other. Plot in its vaporous form is called "Convenience" and a solid mass of plot is called "Coincidence". This has been a helpful note from the Time Lord Hitchiker's Guide to the Multiverse.)

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

The companion's voice was barely heard over the whining and crashing of the ship tearing a hole in the universe.

"I asked her to find a Skaropuff!" A voice said in reply.

"A WHAT!?"

"A Skaropuff! It came to mind and I wasn't sure if it existed or not. So I diverted all TARDIS power into taking me to one because it sounds amazing. I think it's working! Only it's taking us a completely different universe! Normally it wouldn't be possible but I suppose today is a good day for crossovers!"

The blue box flipped upside down as it scraped along the surface of a time-locked patch of…time.

"Oh no! Oh no oh no oh no oh no…It'll fix! It-"

A bang interrupted the time lord and knocked him to the ground as the cloister bell started to ring and the ship hurtled on through the void….

* * *

"Permission to speak freely?"

"Permission granted. What's on your mind Spock?"

"Jim, tell me again, why did you name the tribble 'Skaropuff'? "

The captain of the newly refurbished USS Enterprise pet the purring puffball in his lap.

"It just seemed right. I assume you have an issue with it being illogical?"

"I never said that. But your assumptions are well founded. Are you certain it can't multiply?"

"If Bones said it's safe then I'll trust him on that. He's the doctor aftera-"

At the words "The Doctor", a resounding CRASH echoed through the halls. Kirk jumped up, putting Skaropuff back in its box.

"Computer, open a line to engineering. Scotty! Did you do that?"

"No captain! The engines are running perfectly and nothing's registered as hitting the shields. If I didn't know better, I'd say it came from inside the ship."

"Well if it wasn't the engine, then what could it-"

"Captain, you had better take a look out here"

Spock stood in the door way, a look of trying not to have a look of disbelief on his face.

"What is it Spo-"

The words barely left his mouth as Kirk saw what lay just beyond the room's door. A blue box lay on its side, reeking of burning plot Convenience. The door opened and a raggedy man in a bow tie and tweed jacket climbed out of the doorway. He took a look around and gave a weak smile.

"Hello. I'm the Doctor. Is there a Skaropuff here by any chance?"

After the initial confusion wore off, Kirk opened his mouth to speak. No words came. Spock filled in for him.

"A doctor? Doctor Who?"

* * *

In the region of space around the Enterprise, a single ship phased into existence, following the wake of the TARDIS. It's a ship that hasn't been seen for centuries, and yet is still all too familiar to the Doctor. It's the only ship, in the right time, at the right place, which managed to lock onto the temporal signature of a time machine scraping against a time-locked region of time and follow it out of said lock.

Pushing copious amounts of Coincidence aside, the ship started to regain power, floating in the abyss of open space. It was broken, and battered, but its single occupant was still very much alive. Its three thin appendages had been bent out of shape, but they quickly began to right themselves. Its top section began a 360 degree spin to take an account of its surroundings.

The two bulbs on the ship lit up. Four times each. And then again. And again. Slowly at first, but quickly picking up speed. If there were air in space, one could hear the sound it was emitting; a sound that planets feared and make the deadliest warriors in the universe tremble. A single word, repeated endlessly into the abyss.

ex….

Ter….

MIn…

ATE….

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!


	2. Chapter 2

"This creature is amazing!"

The Doctor stroked the purring tribble in his lap

"This is quite possibly the best adaptation to a sentient universe I've ever seen! It's diverted all its energy into reproduction and being so cute that no sentient creature in their right mind would ever try to kill it. Put one on a planet and it'll eventually devour it whole. I can't imagine how you could have just one. Dr. McCoy, do you have another? I'd like one for my ship."

The time lord rested in the medical bay of the USS Enterprise. As far as Captain Kirk was concerned, Science Chief Smith and Admiral Oswald were their esteemed guests and to be treated as such, or so it said on their documents.

Mr. Spock did not like the strange fractals on their rather antiquated papers (paper? In space? Illogical. Holograms are much more effective, or at the very least use a tablet). He logically deduced that they were not who they were and should be placed under security. He was misguided in his logic however, by not factoring in the attractiveness of the Admiral and his Captain's authority on the matter.

Said Captain soon entered the medical bay, nursing a rather noticeable slap mark on his left cheek. Clara soon followed suit, smoothing out her hair, giving the time lord a look between "I can't believe you made me do that" and "you are a horrible person". The time lord returned a look of "I'm sure you had fun" combined with a very small hint of "but I'm sorry and I'm glad you're back".

"Admiral. Your report?"

"We're in the 24th century. This is the USS Enterprise, flagship of Starfleet, a peacekeeping and exploration organization. Most of the crew are from Earth and we are returning there as we speak. Pointy there's half Vulcan, but the rest are human. And Mr. Captain there needs to keep his hands to himself."

"I think that's good enough thank you! Now then, onto business. Besides my ship, did you happen to pick up any salvage in the time since I landed on your ship? Sorry about the floors by the way, but those scorch marks should buff right out. The smell is another issue…but yes, salvage?"

The Captain's first officer replied as the Captain had a problem using his mouth at the moment. Bones would have tended to it if he wasn't distracted by the fact there's a man with two hearts in the room.

"There was a canister of sorts floating along. We are currently in the process of scanning it for life in our salvage bay."

The time lord suddenly got a serious look on his face. The type of face that gave companions nightmares.

"Does it look like a pepper shaker?"

The Captain finally found his voice.

"Yes, as a matter of fact. Is it also yours?"

"Destroy it. Blow it into bits NOW. And get that out of my face."

The Doctor waved away the other doctor's attempts to scan his retinas as the Captain continued to speak.

"That's a rather quick decision isn't it? Since it's now property of the USS Enterprise, we get the final say."

The first officer continued from where the captain left off:

"The technology even on the surface of the container is decades ahead of anything we've ever seen. It would be in our best interests to see what else we can learn from it, as well as from your blue ship now lying in our halls."

"I'm trying to not get you all killed. Now if you intend on making it back to Earth you had better listen to what I say."

Before the Captain could speak, the other doctor raised his voice

"You know, he has a point. I had a bad feeling about that thing from the start."

Clara chimed in

"I've survived this long by doing what the Doctor…er…my Science Chief says. It would be a good idea for you lot to get a clue and follow suit."

The time lord turned to the half-vulcan and spoke to him directly.

"Isn't it your prime directive not to influence civilizations less technologically advanced than yourselves? Even if I am not from Starfleet, which I totally am by the way, would it not be hypocritical to pursue something that you deny other civilizations? Wouldn't that be illogical keeping in mind Starfleet's standards of universal equality?"

The first officer thought for a moment and turned to his captain.

"Sir, logically, while the canister does not currently appear to be a threat, we can't deny the fact that this man knows more than we do about the technology. It would be in our best interests to let him examine it. That is my assessment."

Kirk decided to let his pride fall second to the advice of his friends.

"Alright, Smith, come with us. You, Ms. Oswald, can stay here. Bones keep an eye on her and Skaropuff for me. Careful, she bites."

The Captain, the Doctor and Spock left the room and walked down the halls, the Doctor trailing behind as they made their way down to the salvage room.

Meanwhile, an uncomfortable silence fell over the medical bay.

Clara broke the silence.

"Seriously though doctor, your Captain's a pig. I could never date outside my species. So this cute little guy is the infamous Skaropuff then?"

* * *

EXTERMINATE!

The laser pulse shot forward with a horrifying screech, killing all five red shirts examining it in one blow.

The Dalek is awake.


	3. Chapter 3

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

The Dalek stormed through the halls of the USS Enterprise. Its mind (as all dalek minds are) was frenzied with hate and loathing for all living things. It saw red, and killed all it saw. Rather unfortunate for the red shirted engineering crew, who at this point had given up fighting and simply ran for their lives.

If, through some impossible feat of comprehending the sparsest strands of dalek sanity, you were to take the thoughts of the dalek, pass it through the strongest hatred filter in the galaxy, soak it in the whitest wash found in this quadrant, wring it out using the fluffiest towel of niceness in the universe, and blow dry it with the love of a million kittens, you might be able to make out something like this:

"Oh dear me this place is simply horrid! Crawling with all this vermin and slime, what a despicable mess this ship is in. And I suppose I have to be the one to clean up this mess, ugh, why is it always me? Couldn't Davros have assigned a janitorial squadron to this menial labour? I am an 11th ranking officer. I've fought time lords for Skaro's sake, I really deserve to be treated better. Now if you would all just stop running so I can kill you all!"

The screams of the engineering crew echoed through the halls. Equal in strength were the loud piercing screeches from the dalek's gun stick, each one signifying another death.

"Forty two, forty three, oh would you lot just be quiet when you die! It's wreaking havoc on my sensitive audio equipment. I suppose I could just mute them all and put on some nice music though. Hm…let's go for classical this time."

Of course, classical music for daleks is made up of the millions of screams of planets burning and dying painful deaths. In particular, this dalek was listening to Purge of the Theta Sigma Galaxy in B minor, Third Movement.

* * *

With the help of a strong waft of Plot Convenience, Scotty managed to make his way up to the main deck and put the ship in maximum lock down. He and five other engineers are all that are left.

Kirk, not being as stupid as he looks (as the Doctor would say), quickly jumped into command. With a quick look at Mr. Scott and a nod from Mr. Spock, he flushed the entire engineering level, throwing open every air lock. The remaining 85 members of the engineering crew, as well as the dalek were swept out into open space. Unfortunately, absolutely no lives were lost as a consequence of this action.

The Doctor gained a new begrudging respect for this Captain. Put in the same position, he would have done the same thing, but he would not have acted nearly as quickly. The Captain is more logical than he first thought. It could not have been easy making that call, knowing that people might still be alive down there.

Spock voiced his approval. Bones did not as he was utterly horrified. Clara realised she was hugging the Doctor and quickly righted herself to recapture some of her dignity. Skaropuff purred contently.

The Doctor grabbed Clara and ran back down the halls.

"Doctor, where are we going?"

"Nothing in this universe or ours can stop a Time War Dalek. But together, we might just have a chance. I need to get something form the TARDIS. Do you have Skaropuff with you?"

"Yes…why do you ask?"

"Because he's about to get some new friends."

* * *

The Dalek did not like this turn of events and was rather cross with whoever interrupted its killing spree. It quickly turned to face the Enterprise and forced open its communications.

"You ruffians! How dare you interrupt me while I was enjoying myself so thoroughly! If it wasn't for the fact that I want your ship I would blow you all out of orbit right now. Open those pod bay doors and let me back in this instant!"

Of course, that's the filtered version. What Kirk heard was this:

OPEN YOUR DOORS OR BE EXTERMINATED! YOU WILL OBEY! OBEY! OBEY! OBEY!

Kirk reacted calmly enough.

"Fire everything. Maximum power."

The Enterprise turned against the stars, facing all of its nine phaser cannons and two photon torpedo bays forwards. She towered over the dalek, being 300 times the size of the cyborg. Her weapons flashed for just an instant before delivering a hull shredding payload directly into the dalek's shell.

If the dalek could laugh, it would have. But it can't. So it blew the Enterprise's weapons to bits instead.

OPEN YOUR DOORS AND YOUR DEATH WILL BE SWIFT. OTHERWISE I WILL BLOW YOUR SHIP OUT OF THE SKY!

Spock took Kirk's stunned silence as a "temporary emotionally compromised state " (as it would say in the records) and opened communications with the dalek as the temporary Captain.

"I will open those doors after you answer a question of mine. Why do you want to kill us? We have done nothing to you."

YOU ARE AN ENEMY OF THE DALEKS. YOU MUST BE DESTROYED.

"We are a peacekeeping organization. We have made no moves against any species such as the Daleks, who have until recently not existed in this universe!"

YOU ARE NOT DALEKS. THEREFORE YOU ARE OUR ENEMY!

"You say 'therefore' as if this follows, but on what logic do you base this decision? You are ending countless lives for no reason. You have nothing to gain from killing us."

DALEKS ARE SUPREME. ALL THAT IS NOT DALEK MUST BE EXTERMINATED

"To what end? Once you've us then what? Our planet? Our galaxy? The universe?"

YOU WILL ALL BE EXTERMINATED

"So once you've killed the entire universe, then what? All life has stopped. There is nothing left in the universe but you, then what?"

THEN MY MISSION IS COMPLETE. THE UNIVERSE WILL BE THE PERFECTION THAT IS THE DALEKS

"There are no other daleks! Just you. And eventually you will die, leaving nothing."

GOOD

"You are speaking nonsense! It is illogical!"

THEN LOGIC COMES SECOND TO HATE

The dalek closed communications. It had becomes bored with talking and wanted to shoot something. So it did. If it wasn't in space, you could hear the screech the gunstick made as it fired a bolt strong enough to cleave the Enterprise in two.


	4. Chapter 4

The Time War Dalek has such advanced weaponry that nothing in the known universe could ever hope to stop it. There is a reason the Last Great Time War was severed from existence after all. It cleaved through planets with the intensity of a supernova compressed into a beam of less width than your arm. The Gallifreyans had to think of some countermeasure, and somehow managed to outfit their TARDISes with shields that could withstand such blasts. However, only TARDISes that served in the Time War had those shields, and with said war retconned out of existence (retcon being the informal term for time-locked), it seems unlikely that there is any hope for any unfortunate soul caught in a Time War Dalek's path. This has been another helpful note form the Time Lord Hitchiker's Guide to the Multiverse.

Oh wait.

The gunstick beam fizzled out of existence as a strange blue box faded into existence in front of the Enterprise. Even without air in space, the ethereal VWARPing of the TARDIS materializing could be heard in every fiber of every being within sight. Including the Dalek.

DOC…TOR!?

DOCTOR! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

Multiple blasts were fired but none left so much as a scratch on the most powerful ship in the universe. The Doctor took this opportunity to peak his head out.

"Hello Dalek. Miss me?"

DOCTOR!

"I knew you would. Hey, you know what? I've got something for you. Here, catch!"

* * *

Onboard the Enterprise, Kirk, Spock, and the rest all looked on at the scene below. After zooming in with the viewing screen, Kirk uttered a statement of disbelief.

"Did he just throw tribbles at it?"

* * *

Onboard the TARDIS, Clara uttered a similar statement of disbelief.

"Tribbles? This was you big plan? You're fighting the most powerful, evil, crazy, mad, evil alien in the universe and you go with tribbles?"

"Yes. Yes I did. Trust me. I'm the Doctor (cue epic theme song)"

* * *

The Dalek was momentarily confused by these purring puffballs floating towards it. The confusion didn't last long however.

EXTERMINATE!

The dalek fired, instantly vaporizing the poor tribble caught in its blast.

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

The Dalek fired repeatedly; the tribbles it did not hit directly were still killed by the glancing blows. Having put all evolutionary energy into being cute, there is absolutely no way for a simple tribble to survive a dalek.

But one thing the dalek did notice, is that even as it killed endlessly, the total population of tribbles did not seem to be decreasing.

* * *

"Alright Doctor, what exactly did you do to Skaropuff?"

"I cloned him, and this time kept his reproductive faculties intact. Then I integrated him with this"

The Doctor pulled out a Cybermite.

"You remember this little guy? I kept one as a souvenir. Cybermen, while a horrible creation, are fascinating from a technological point of view. They are constantly adapting and upgrading to their surroundings, maximizing and amplifying the traits of species they take over. Now what would happen if I combined that, with a species that does nothing but reproduce and survive by sheer numbers?"

* * *

Daleks are always hateful and frustrated. This one however, is even more so. The mass of cybertribbles constantly grew, for every ten that died, hundreds sprang up in their place, only to mature in an instant and multiply again even before the dalek could fire a second shot.

DOES NOT COMPUTE! WHY WON'T THEY DIE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

* * *

The Doctor continued his explanation.

"I've contained the tribbles and the dalek in the TARDIS's shields so that no stray blasts will hit us or anything around. All that I've done here is recreate a secondary school biology experiment. Add the predator, add the prey, isolate the environment, and watch it go. But here's the catch, while the prey can evolve over time, the predator cannot. The predator stays the same as the prey evolves and adapts with exponentially increasing generations per second. And that will be the Dalek's downfall because if there's one thing a Dalek can't kill, its good old natural selection! Life will find a way!"

* * *

The Dalek spun as it fired continuously. Fuzz and ashes flew into the air as the dalek exterminated everything as smoke filled the force field obscuring the view of everyone watching the scene.

After a few long minutes, the smoke cleared. A single tribble floated in front of the dalek. It wasn't multiplying; something must have gone wrong in its birth.

If the dalek could smile, it would. But it can't. So it shot instead.

EXTERMINATE!

The dalek fired straight and true.

The tribble purred contentedly.

EXTERMINATE!

The dalek fired again.

The tribble continued to purr.

EXTERMINATE!

The gunstick fired its full power, its maximum payload, explosions ricocheted off the walls of the TARDIS's force field as energy that could destroy stars flew through the tribble.

And the tribble continued to purr.

WHAT. ARE. YOU.

* * *

The Doctor held the original unaltered Skaropuff up to the window.

"You kept the original?"

"Of course I did! I couldn't kill this little guy! See that there Skaropuff, that's your grandson, Skaropuff the...forty six gazillionth. And he has beaten a dalek. Aren't you proud?"

The Doctor gave Skaropuff back to Clara, as he poked his head out of the TARDIS doors yet again.

"You see now dalek? That tribble there cannot be killed by your gunstick! Now, what does a dalek do when it has no other way of killing its target?"

A tense silence followed.

The dalek broke the silence.

….EX…TER…MINATE

The dalek emitted a bright glow as the orbs on its lower section flew off and surrounded both the dalek and the last tribble.

YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! SELF-DESTRUCT ACTIVATED!

And with that, the orbs formed a force field of energy that then imploded, detroying the dalek and the tribble in a flash.

* * *

The TARDIS materialized on the bridge of the USS Enterprise.

The Doctor and Clara stepped onto the bridge, to a silence filled with amazement and apprehension.

Spock broke this silence

"Doctor. That was a rather…unorthodox way of handling the situation."

"Well, you could say that, but it's not like your lot here were doing any better. Now, I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience I've caused and I had best be going home soon. But before I do that, allow me to tow you back to Earth."

As the Doctor turned to leave, the other doctor interjected.

"Sorry Doctor, but I'm just wondering, do you have any of the tribble clones left? I'd have it sterilized obviously, but you took our only specimen."

The Doctor responded to the other doctor.

"I'm a Doctor, not a tribble breeder. I don't have any spares, but Skaropuff's home is with you after all. Clara?"

The Companion returned the contentedly purring puffball back to its owners.

"Now then, shall we be off?"

And so the TARDIS towed the Enterprise back to Earth, making sure not to be spotted by any satellites along the way. Following this, the TARDIS dematerialized once again, making its way home in a puff of plot convenience.

* * *

Once they were back on Earth, Spock filled out their debriefing report. Kirk would have done it, but both of them knew that no one would believe what they had just seen. So Spock had better do it. It would be more believable coming from him.

The following excerpt was kept in the Captain's Log.

"Having seen so many things in the universe, and as illogical as it is, I cannot say I have ever seen anything so close to pure evil as the Dalek. It is highly unsettling that such a thing could exist, not even mentioning the power it possessed. The mysterious Doctor is another enigma entirely. While he acts the fool, I am sure that he knows the consequences of his actions. There is an air about him much older and darker than he appears. I am very glad he is friendly and almost just as glad that he is gone.

As a final thought, after so many generations, I highly doubt that whatever organisms the dalek was fighting could still be classified as tribbles. That last survivor especially. We may have just seen the birth and extinction of an entirely new species. It is almost unbelievable that a single man can play god that easily. I hope that technological progress in our universe will not follow such a dangerous path."

* * *

Aboard the TARDIS, Clara petted Skaropuff. She also had a question.

"Doctor, why didn't you tell them we made extra copies of Skaropuff?"

"Well we just saw one destroy the most dangerous alien in the universe. I don't think they would have very well let us leave with it."

"But this one is safe though right? No cybertech things going to make them take over the world or anything like that?"

"Nope! This little guy is right as rain. Might as well be a paperweight, but cuter."

The Doctor took Skaropuff the Second and placed it back in its box.

"Alright. Ready for a ride?"

The companion braced herself and smiled.

"Geronimo."

The Doctor flipped a lever and the TARDIS control room shook as the Doctor and his Companion flew off to their next adventure.

* * *

In the inky blackness of space, a lone tribble floated alongside the ruins of a dalek.

It had survived.

The cybermite implantations sparked and hummed. If the tribble had a sentient brain, it would hear the dalek's last message being repeated by the cybertechnology over and over again, as it floated through the abyss.

Resistance is futile…..resistance is futile…resistance is futile…..

* * *

**Note from the author: Sorry if I got a lot of the Star Trek aspects wrong, I'm honestly not a Star Trek fan beyond the Abrams movies, but I took what I could form the few TOS episodes I've seen.**

**This is what my friend told me to write: **_An epic tale where the TARDIS landed on the Enterprise and the Doctor somehow brought about the birth of the borg with his cybermen knowledge and daleks get un-locked from the time war again and Spock tries to talk logic with them about how exterminating everything else kind of defeats the purpose of ruling supreme. and stuff. but more awesome._

**I hope I fulfilled your expectations =)**


End file.
